John Gottman of the Gottman Institute has studied relationships for decades. He has watched very closely for the tell-tale signs of what goes right and what goes wrong.

One of the most telling and important ingredients of a relationship is also the smallest: the ‘bid.’ A bid is when one of the partners reaches out for contact. It is usually verbal, but could be a look or a touch. The goal of a bid is simply to get the partner’s attention.

In a successful relationship the bids are answered by giving your partner a positive response.
Now that’s pretty simple. Your partner asks for attention, and you give it. You ask for attention and your partner responds. Now that’s not rocket science is it? When you really think about it, that is what all human interactions begin with.

A bid could be “honey, what is for dinner?” or “Look at that car” or “isn’t that puppy sweet” or “I’m tired.” It could also be reaching over and stroking your partners arm, or starting to give a back rub.

The response to the bid is even more important than the bid itself. Since the bid is an attempt to gain the attention of the partner, the proper response is simply to give your partner a positive, attentive reaction. Ignoring your partner is the same as rejecting the bid. You could say “drop dead, I hate puppies.” Or you could just continue to read the morning paper and sip your coffee. Both are going to nip any interaction in the bud.

Good relationships have bids that are answered. Poor relationships had a large number of bids that are rejected or ignored.

Is it just so easy? Well, actually this is a very good measure if your relationship is stagnating or in trouble! Think about yesterday and what happened when you got up with your partner. Did you initiate the conversations? Did your partner respond? And ask the same about your partner’s bids. How did you respond?

When you bid and your partner ignores you or responds badly, how do you react? Normally, we just keep trying only a little bit and then drop it. It is quite rare to keep bidding like a kid: “Hey, mom. mom… mom. Hey mom, mom, mom, mom….” It just won’t happen! We drop that behavior pretty early in life since it just doesn’t work. So don’t expect that your partner will ask twice for attention — unless you are married to a 4 year old. (if you are, you got more problems that we can help you with!!)

What happens when bidding fails? The answer is that the positive energy in your relationship dies. You may know the feeling. People ask all the time: “Where did the romance go,” “Where did the love go.” The reason you know the romance has gone, is because the bids and bid responses have dropped to nearly zero.

So what can you do about it? For starters, initiate bids more. Especially on those subjects that will get a positive response from your partner. And when your partner bids for your attention, make sure that you respond positively and immediately.

It will take a large commitment on your part to think of those areas that your partner will respond to. Don’t just start random bidding about things that will not engage your partner’s interest. And if your partner is only focussed on things that are totally boring or even distasteful to you. The best advice I can give you is “get over it.” Heck, I would even watch a chick-flick or two if that’s what it takes. Or if it is only sex that your partner gets interested in, well, at least it is a starting point.

Where you take it is your choice. Let the bidding start!